When: Monday nite 3/2 7:30pm ET

Where: https://youtube.com/live/Xr1N6NCQLr0?feature=share  

http://paypal.me/vancevancevance or https://venmo.com/vancevancevance or VanceFunder P.O. Box 17, Arlington, MA 02476

WHO GETS 10%: Resilient Sisterhood Project https://rsphealth.org/our-story The Resilient Sisterhood Project’s mission is to educate and empower women of African descent regarding common but rarely discussed diseases of the reproductive system that disproportionately affect them.

*PRIVATE COACHING AVAILABLE - Contact me for songwriting, performance, and voice coaching.

***CUSTOM SONGS - Expensive, but sure, you want one about you or your family or something.

****PS - EARLY IN THIS EMAIL BLAST ON THIS EMPORTINT SHOW:

tonite: 2/27 - Listening Booth, Lewes DE https://www.listeningbooth.com/events/vance-gilbert-1
2/28 - Fallser Club, Philly, PA https://events.humanitix.com/vance-gilbert

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Help a brother sell these rooms close to out, thanks. I can’t say who, but record company people are watching so...

THE PRINTER II

I don’t even know what “weee slawwww” means in printer, but Debora’s little Epson makes that sound as it’s booting up and about to print.

And print it does, all aural protestations aside. Or maybe that’s it’s “Hi I’m happy, content, and I love spitting up in an organized fashion on paper” sound.

It’s been great for 2 weeks, but last night I was about to print and the most ungodly of utterances came out of MY machine.

Stephen King texted me and said, “Hey, bro, that kind of mechanical promise-to-do-harm death rattle is copywritten between me and Dean Koontz - although Dean would just pull out a 9 mm and just shoot it in his writing ‘cause he himself is scared of sentient mechanical shid, he said so on a ComicCon panel, I swear...Well, good luck, Love Steve..."

The paper went in at an angle. It gargled. It wheezed. It repeated a print head alignment sound over and over in some Tourettesian exclamation before the warning light went on. It finally stopped.

I unplugged it to “reset” it, like all of the manuals and online info said. I plugged it back in. New lyric:

"It didn’t care.
It spun its printhead 'round
like Linda Blair."

I went in. I was going to extract the “bit of dust, shard of paper”, or what have you that I was told for $5 by Chentham at JustAnswer to endeavor to remove. I fished with tweezers. A blunt Xacto. A chopstick with semi-dried phlegm on the tip. It’s 1am. Chentham was so kind. I looked up his seemingly Indian name. I told him “With all the mad things in the world, you are helping me do battle with a recalcitrant printer. Namaste to you, sir”. He was elated, and took tons of extra time with me.

One sheet printed perfectly. I bid him good day. The next sheet went in a 43 degrees. Chentham and my $5 were gone. I went in again, reminding myself to up my dose of Blasphemic, a drug I take to curb my using the Lords name in vein (it’s in a class of drugs called Cuss Inhibitors). I couldn’t understand why my fishing would make so much red ink start to get on everything.

It wasn’t ink. Oh. No. You. Didn’t, Printer. I need that finger. I played guitar, till now. OK, it’s just a cut, still.

Ohh you poor kids at Best Buy. Like Paul Simon said, “I fear I’ll do some damage one fine day”.

Does this printer see all the snow out there?