Hi VanceFans,

I have some fun April gigs you can come to. NorthShore area Boston folks I am here:

Fri, 4/14 - Hamilton, MA  http://communityhouse.org

I know about as much about this place as you do. Let’s check it out together. Come and I'll give away a mess of my old CDs

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Sat, 4/15 - Auburn, NY - http://auburnpublictheater.org/event/music-vance-gilbert/

Looks like a great little theatre kinda down the street from Syracuse. I’m going!

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Sat, 4/22 - Teaneck, NJ - Ethical Brew - http://www.ethicalbrew.org

I opened this series 4 years ago. It was packed. They bought me Chinese food. It was a stupendous night. So they’re having me back. Why not? Come!
Plus, the Isley Brothers are from Teaneck!!

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Sat, 4/29 - Pittsburg, PA - Bikerman’s House Concert - 412-422-4662, tbikerman@yahoo.com

This’ll be my second time playing for these cool folks. They bought me Chinese food. It was packed. It was a stupendous night. So they’re having me back. Wouldn’t you? Plus George Benson is from Pittsburg!!

Do you mind another random Vance Story?

NOSEHAIRS

I remember 41 years ago the nervous me going into the drugstore to buy my first condoms. I swear I thought everyone in the store was looking and about to reprimand me or cheer. Man, that feeling came to me again today, 41 years later, as I bought my first nose hair trimmer.

These things must be in uber high demand because they have them locked up in this showcase. And here I was peering through the plexiglas at the variety, shopping.

Remember that? "Ribbed for her pleasure" and "ultra thin”? Shopping? Actually shopping? I got the large because I had heard they’d be more comfortable. OMG the checkout lady looks exactly like my girfriend’s mom!! They all look like my girlfriend’s Mom…OMG...

Well here I was again.

See that “Need help?" button in the front that you have to push to get someone with the key to open the PlexiNoseHairShowcase? That button stops the Taylor Swift song playing in the overhead speakers and cheerfully announces in my past girlfriend’s mom’s voice to the whole store:

“Assistance needed in the shave-me aisle”

Seriously? How about the announcement just say “Old, fat, Negro sporting nostril forests, aisle 6, needs a Ten-Dollar BoogerShaver…”

You think it’s any easier once I get home? Hail no!! I put the battery in, and now I have to find a place for it on the sink next to the toothbrushes. It’s got its hands on its hips, swiveling its gleaming head side to side, flashing a new grille saying “Yeah, all y’all punk-ass Bristol-Meyers and Squibs suckahs, there be a new health care apparatus up in this bicch!

I put it in the cabinet.

OK, I’m just little traumatized now but this ain’t easy.

Breathe. (well, at least *that’s* easier.)

vg

More details on more shows and such at www.vancegilbert.com, and on Facebook

xovg